Are You a Needy Dater?

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When we’re learning a new skill it always helps to have someone who’s witnessing our new skill to give us some feedback. That way we can get a bird’s-eye view of what we’re doing wrong and where we’re excelling.

In dating, that feedback comes in the form of a breakup where the other person tells you it’s not personal so they can spare your feelings. Sometimes the relationship is so short it doesn’t even merit a conversation, just silence and cut ties.

One of the most common complaints my friends and I have about our dates is their neediness. Most needy people aren’t aware of this problem, so I’ve put together a handy checklist.

1) Do you think that the person you’re dating should be responsible for your entire social life? When you’re needy, you look for another person to take care of all your social needs so you don’t have to work on those pesky friendships and spend time with your family.

2) If you’re single, do you think that once you meet someone who meets all the bullet points on your checklist that your life will finally be complete? This may blow your mind, but there is no one person who will do that for you and if you continue believing it you’re setting yourself up for an empty, disappointing life.

3) In your relationships, do you seesaw between fighting and physical intimacy? If the answer is ‘yes,’ it is because you have nothing in common with the person you’re dating outside of the bedroom. Try having a conversation about something that’s important to you, and see if you’re on the same page.

4) If you don’t hear from the person you’re dating for a five-hour period, will you do something that could possibly get you arrested/banned/humiliated? This is unhealthy behavior and will not make the person like you more. I would suggest finding a hobby that would occupy your thoughts instead – something along the lines of training for a triathlon or learning how to crochet doilies.

5) Do you groom yourself to look like the ideal person for your love interest? Do you dress a certain way or change your hairstyle to make this other person like you more? This is only temporary and will put you on a hamster wheel trying to keep them interested in you. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who likes you as-is?

When you stop looking for another person to make you whole, you will learn how to be whole on your own. This will make you a more confident and independent person who doesn’t sit around and obsess over another person. And it will help you attract someone who treats you well. Try it, you have nothing to lose but your neediness.

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