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Chemistry is a small part of compatibility, but relationships need that special spark. (stock images/freedigitalphotos.net)

I consider myself a first-date expert. This is mainly because I don’t make it to a lot of second dates. I don’t need more than 90 minutes of one-on-one time to determine if I see myself eventually getting into a relationship with someone. I know what I find attractive, and I know what types of people I mesh with. I know that I can’t force myself to like someone because they would be what my married friends and mother call “good for me.” I also believe in that inexplicable feeling you get around certain people that keeps you wanting to spend time with them, also known as chemistry.

When I have chemistry with someone it’s as if we have a secret agreement where we feel each other’s thoughts without saying a word. It’s fun and it’s easy to be around people we click with. Unfortunately, chemistry is a small part of compatibility. There have been numerous times when I had amazing chemistry with a guy I was dating only to realize we have different ideas about monogamy.

Since chemistry alone wasn’t getting me the relationship I wanted, I decided to try to give chances to men who were good on paper. These were the nice guys who I didn’t feel any magnetism toward. I tried this with four different victims before I realized there was no sweet gesture or thoughtful date they could plan to get me to fall in love with them. I call them victims because they were ultimately hurt, and I walked away guilty but with my heart intact.

I’ve heard countless stories about women who felt repulsed by the man they now love and how strong that love is now because they had to work for it. From my perspective, it looks like they settled for someone who they knew would give them the upper hand. I want a partner with whom I share a mutual respect. I don’t see how you can respect someone knowing they pursued you despite the fact that you would yawn uncontrollably every time they opened their mouth to talk.

I think passion is important. Feeling that fire keeps a relationship interesting and dynamic. But passion can’t be cultivated without an initial spark.

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